The Buffet Table

Welcome Back Scott…er

by Scott

“Scott?” the disembodied voice said.

“Scott!” the same voice repeated louder (and needlessly angrier).

“Wha?  Who are you disembodied voice?  You sound familiar, almost from a past life, I have yet to live,” I replied.

“That doesn’t make sense.  Also open your fucking eyes.”

“Oh, hey Marci,” I told the voice, which was now embodied. “What’s shaking?  What brings you to my humble abode?”

“What’s shaking?  You left the office four months ago, you stole my credit card, and then you faked your own death!  That’s what’s shaking!  Also, this isn’t an abode; this is dumpster behind a Popeyes chicken.  Where, the fuck, have you been?”

“I vaguely remember a Popeyes chicken, but I think you made up the rest of that.”

“You were supposed to only be gone for two weeks!”

“Two weeks,” I garbled.

“What?”

“Hmm?”

“Why did you say ‘two weeks’ like an asshole?”

“I don’t think ‘like an asshole’ is how I do anythi-“

“Everything you do is like an asshole!”

“Right, anyway ‘two weeks,’” I repeated (like an asshole). “Like in Total Recall.”

“…” Marci stared.

“Watch this:”

“You are aware that I can’t see YouTube videos when we are talking in person like this?” she asked.

“You can’t?  That’s weird, because I can.  You should have seen that one, it was good.  How about this one?”

“Was that Lordi?  How was I able to see that?” Marci said more scared than confused.

“You can’t not see a Lordi video when it is played.  But you’ve taken us way off topic here.  Very unprofessional, Marci.  I don’t think that was me who was only supposed to be gone for two w-“ I managed before Marci’s face became red with anger.

“Don’t you fucking say it again!”

“OK, I don’t think that was me who was only supposed to be gone for a fortnight.  You must have me confused with someone else.  Rusty, maybe?”

“No, it was definitely you.”

“It was probably Past Scott.  He’s a wild card.  His actions have gotten me into many a precarious situation.  Each time he promises to get his shit together, and each time he fails me.  I don’t know how I let him get me into these messes.  I guess, I think I can change him.”

“Very little of what you say makes sense.  I guess, what I’m asking is, will you come back to work for the Buffet Table?”

“Sure, why not?  Will I get paid this time?”

“No.”

“Fine, but I’m not writing anything this week.”

“You’ve been typing out this whole conversation.”

“Shit!”

When Scott isn’t triumphantly returning to the Internet, he can be seen not updating his own blog.  He also doesn’t tweet much, but that shouldn’t stop you from following him on Twitter.

Even more… LINsanity!

by Marci B.

Once the puns start flowing…they don’t stop.

LINdsay Lohan

TorteLINni

LINspector Gadget

Super LINtendo

The LINcredible Hulk

LINked In

Get LINto it.

by Marci B.

I’m not really a Knicks fan, and I don’t really follow the NBA that much, but it’s hard to miss the LINsanity that’s been going on the past couple weeks. And it’s well deserved - in sports, there’s nothing I like more than a hardworking athlete who couldn’t catch a break getting his due. And in grammar, there’s nothing I like more than PUNS! So this whole Lin thing is really making me giddy.

So here’s some Lin puns that I think are being severely underutilized. Sportswriters, take note! You should start using these immediately.

LINsane Clown Posse

Abraham LINcoln

Fall LINto the Gap

LINsect

LINdy Ruff (for all you Sabres fans)

PenicilLIN

If you’ve got any more ideas for good ones, feel free to leave them in comments. Maybe there will be a Part 2 to this post…after all, it is LINsanity out there.

Being Rude in NYC

by Marci B.

About a month ago as I left work late and walked to the stuffy, smelly, crowded (and recently more expensive!) PATH train, I was crossing the street while a turning cab slowly got closer and closer to hitting me and then honked it’s horn. I had the right away, mind you.

But then something happened that caused me to stop and examine myself. I cursed at this cab. Sure, you hear it all the time in New York City. But the ease with which the disdainful “Fuck you” came out of my mouth alarmed me. Somehow living among all these millions of people had turned me into an asshole.

That’s the thing about New York, though. To some, the fact that you openly curse at cabbies, or give the finger to bikers who almost run you over is a badge, a great way to display the fact that you are a bona fide “New Yorker.” But I’m not sure I want that tag. I’m not sure I want to be the person walking down the street yelling into her cell phone, pushing through people to cross the street, then spitting on a cab that almost runs me over and rushing down to catch the next available subway.

Sure, there are well-mannered New Yorkers. But no matter how you slice it, unless you’re a saint or oblivious to the world, living in New York is going to make you angry sometimes. For me, it’s more like all the time. I have a running angry dialogue going through my head every time I go to or from work.

“Of course that asshole has to be the first person on the train even though I was waiting here first.”

“Why does this guy keep hitting me with his bag? TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK!”

“If that man doesn’t stop jiggling the change in his pocket I’m going to punch him in the face.”

I know, that last one seems really silly. But I have honestly had that thought before.

And now a study comes out that New Yorkers are the rudest people in the world! (Thanks Travel Magazine!)

But honestly, I’m not sure New Yorkers deserve that tag. Because for every man who takes a seat on a train while an old woman stands, there’s five people willing to help a mother carry her stroller down the subway stairs.

If you ask someone for directions, they’re going to help you out.

And more often than not, if someone bumps into you, you’ll hear an apology.

It’s just tough when you’re living in a city with MILLIONS of people. Of course everyone isn’t always going to be having a good day. And sometimes in order to avoid situations that seem dangerous or uncomfortable (drunken crazies stumbling toward you on the street, yelling obscenities), New Yorkers form a bit of a protective shield, and mostly keep to themselves.

But on the flip side, New York is the only place I’ve seen dance parties start between random strangers as they waited for a train. It’s the only place I’ve ever started singing along with a street performer as I waited for the subway after a couple drinks.

So maybe it’s not the most polite place in the world. But wherever there’s people involved, you’ve got to take the good with the bad. And if you look at New York City and all it offers, I guess it evens out.

Unless the L train’s not running, then all bets are off.

Which NFL quarterback would you marry?

By Marci B.       

Okay ladies, listen up! It’s almost the end of football season, which means pretty soon instead of fantasy football scores and power rankings, all the talk is going to be about draft picks, free agents, and trades.

But I think we should take discussions in a different direction. It’s one men will surely love: marriage!

So here’s my 2012 NFL Quarterback Marriage Rankings:

Cream of my crop.
Not surprisingly, my top picks for future husband are all superstars. Call me cliché, but I can appreciate a man who is good at what he does. Plus, Super Bowl rings probably sell for a lot at auction.

1. Aaron Rodgers
From his Discount Double Check commercial to the way he photobombs the captain’s photo before every game, Aaron Rodgers seems like a fun, likable dude who I could marry. He’s also easy on the eyes, and my mom loves him. Instant favorite.

2. Tom Brady
As a Bills fan this is a hard call for me to make, but if he’s good enough for Gisele, he’s better than enough for me.

3. Tony Romo
Most people think “choke” when they think of Romo, but I think “dimples, dimples dimples.” My ring finger is waiting.

Solid dudes.
This next set of guys has some more of the best QB’s in the National. Football. League. Bu, they also just seem like super good dudes. Ones that would take care of my children while I drink wine and watch episodes of whatever Teen Mom series will be playing on MTV in a few years.

4. Drew Brees
Dude’s a baller and he had that cute commercial with his kid. I’m sold. WHO DAT! And if we named our kid “Easy” their nickname would be Easy Breesey.

5. Eli Manning
Unstoppable. Eli Manning is…when he’s headed for my heart. I don’t really know why I have him so high, as I am not a G-men fan, nor do I think he’s that much of a smooookin’ hottie. I just feel like he’s good husband material. He’s always pouting on the field so I figure he’ll do that a lot in our house and I’ll have to take care of him like a child, but that can be kind of endearing.

6. Peyton Manning
He’s smart, dedicated, talented and funny. And obviously I really want to marry into the Manning family (see #5). My only reservation is that he is so super focused on football I don’t know if he’d be able to take care of me while we’re making sweet sweet love. I don’t want him thinking of linemen while he’s scoring a touchdown in my bed.

7. Ryan Fitzpatrick
He’s a Harvard boy, so once his $67 million contract with the Bills doesn’t get renewed, he can find some other fancy job to make us even more money. Plus the dude doesn’t even take his ring off when he plays. That’s the sort of dedication I need.

8. Matt Hasselbeck
I’m not sure why, but in my mind he seems like a reliable dude. Maybe it’s because he’s been around the league for a while and I feel like I can trust him. Or because I saw him do a Crossfit workout in a video online and that made me like him more. Who knows. The (hypothetical) heart wants what it wants.

Pretty boys.
My intent was to have more than one person in this section, but then I couldn’t find anyone who was pretty enough to compare to The Sanchize. So the pretty boy stands alone.

9. Mark Sanchez
Just look at the photos from when he was in GQ. He’s so pretty. He even has a mole like Marilyn Monroe. I think that’s all I have to say really.

The Douche Bags.
Girls love douche bags and assholes! That means there are a couple QB’s that rise up my list due to their jackass tendencies.

10. Jay Cutler 
I heard he’s a jerk. He also gets hurt a lot, never wins and looks dumb sometimes. All these negative things turn me on, because I am a woman and he’s a famous football player.

11. Philip Rivers
He yells at his teammates. He trash talks like a jerk – to fans! There are Facebook groups called “NFL Fans Against Philip Rivers” and “Philip Rivers is a Douchebag.” Yet … I am… magnetically … drawn to him because girls love douchebags!

It’s their year.
Doesn’t success just make a man so much more attractive? These guys are having amazeball seasons, so more over ladies, I’m jumping on their bandwagons.

12. Alex Smith
Part of the reason I love Alex Smith is that he gets little to no credit even though his team has had such an amazing season. He looks like a regular dude they threw in a jersey and somehow is winning football games. Plus I’m a sucker for baby blues.

13. Matthew Stafford
He looks better with a helmet on. So we’d always have to do some weird football role-play if we wanted to get it on. But I’d be okay with that.

Get ‘em while they’re young.
Just like when you try to find the up and coming minor leaguers at the ripe age of 18 by sitting close to the field at a Triple A game, drinking some beers, and waving to the players until they throw you a ball with their number written on it, you need to get on NFL youngins EARLY. I may be too late for these future stars, but I’ll still put ‘em up here on my list. Gotta at least try.

14. Cam Newton
Damn this boy can play! He surprised us all with how dominating he was in just his rookie season. Big things are coming for him, and I’d be okay with going along for the ride.

15. Sam Bradford
He’s on a horrible team, but he’s not too bad. There’s a lot of potential here, and just as I think he will be molded into a really great QB, I can also mold him into the perfect hubby. He’s also kinda cute (wink).

Tim Tebow.
He’s so polarizing and I think I would get really sick of him talking about the Lord all the time, and we share little to none of the same values, but if he’s ever annoying me I’ll just tell him to take his shirt off and zone him out while he talks about whatever he wants. Or I’ll watch a video of him hanging out with a little kid or making someone’s wish come true.

16. Tim Tebow
See above. Plus the Tebow’ing pics we take at our wedding will be hilarious!

Young guns.
These guys are young and pretty good at what they do, even though they aren’t superstars. They might be good for living a comfortable life but not being followed around too much by paparazzi. And getting free NFL tickets for a lot of years to come.

17. Josh Freeman
18. Blaine Gabbert
19. Christian Ponder
20. Tarvaris Jackson
21. Colt McCoy

These guys all seem like the same guy to me.
There’s really nothing that distinguishes these slingers from one another to me. But since I know literally nothing about them personally, I’ll give them a pass since they are all good QBs.

22. Matt Ryan
23. Joe Flacco
24. Matt Schaub

The Ginger.
This is mainly me being a jerk.

25. Andy Dalton
He had a great season for a rookie QB. I just don’t feel a spark. Sorry guy.

The Borings.
I couldn’t think of anything distinguishing for these guys.

26. Matt Moore
Squish the fish!

27. Dan Orlovsky
He won’t be a starter for long.

28. Kevin Kolb
Just hope his middle name doesn’t start with K or we’ve got a problem.

29. Kyle Orton
Justin Bieber haircuts are a turnoff. 

30. Rex Grossman
Sexy Rexy just makes me think of Rex Ryan. And I can’t live with that association for the rest of my life.

Could be trouble…
Not sure we need commentary here.

31. Michael Vick

32. Ben Roethlisberger

Veronica the Christmas Stripper Tries to Ruin Christmas.

By Todd B.

You know Rudolph and Frosty and the Grinch, but perhaps you’re unfamiliar with Veronica the Christmas Stripper— another magical creature who every year tries to destroy Christmas, or at least this year’s. 

This Christmas I went to a refugee dinner hosted by my good friends Emily and Ted.  Emily and Ted were gracious enough to host a “refugee” dinner for people forced to work during the holidays.  The guest list included moi, Emily and Ted, Ted’s boyfriend Alex, Ted’s co-worker Mikah, two other friends (Gay 1 and Gay 2), but most importantly…Alex’s roommate, Veronica. 

This tall, striking woman with legs that can only be described as “nice gams” entered the party, or rather stumbled into the party, around 7pm in a tight, sequins dress that went to the upper part of her thigh.  The dress code was pajamas.  

Veronica was very friendly in the beginning, mainly because she was filled with “holiday spirit” or “wasted”, but soon something turned and Veronica got upset.  

“Why are we listening to Christmas carols?” Veronica shouted belligerently.  ”This is some damn white people nonsense,” Veronica told Mikah, another guest who was black.  And thus began Veronica’s war against Christmas carols.  

While Ted and Emily made the Christmas dinner, they wanted us to decorate the tree and listen to Christmas music, but Veronica wanted to listen to Spice girls, Mariah Carey and early 90s R&B.  Every time someone would put on Christmas music on an iPod, Veronica would take that iPod and change it back to her music so she could prove that she knew all the lyrics. 

Compromises were attempted:  Mariah Carey’s Christmas album?  Spice Girls cover of Christmas Wrapping?  These attempts would last for maybe half a song before the conversation moved back to Veronica and we had to resign ourselves to the fact that our Christmas dinner would be set to Sade and Whitney.  

Here’s an interesting fact about Veronica:  she’s crazy.  She’s also crazy about the Spice Girls.  She found out I was a fan and starting singing their B-side tracks because she’s a much bigger fan.  No one argued that, but she still wanted to make sure we knew.  During their reunion tour, Veronica followed them around and saw them in over 10 different cities.  This got her started on talking about the times she met them.

And then she proceeded to “casually” give the entire room the list of famous people’s she’d met at parties.  She tried to act like it was “not a big deal” but also no one was asking her.  I tuned out when she mentioned once sharing makeup with someone.  It sounded unhygienic. 

Did you know that Veronica’s an actress?  I did.  Because she told us all every 10 minutes or so.  I’d be having a conversation with another guest about anything and she would interrupt with “I’m a theater person” or “I was on set…”

She also hates snowflakes, cause apparently that’s a thing.  At one point I was on the floor with Gay 1 and Gay 2 cutting up paper snowflakes and Veronica got upset:

“I hate snowflakes.  I hate them!  They’re a stupid white people thing.  Why are you guys making snowflakes?  Stop it!”  So eventually we stopped making snowflakes so Veronica could tell us stories about being an actress.

Then dinner came and we had delicious ham and mashed potatoes and sprouts and biscuits and macaroni and cheese.  Veronica wanted more biscuits.  So while the rest of us ate dinner, Veronica made herself more biscuits.  I can’t really fault her on this; the biscuits were delicious. 

After dinner we decided it might be nice to watch a Christmas movie:

Todd:  A Muppets Christmas Carol?

Veronica:  No!  That’s a sad movie.  Auntie Mame?

Ted:  A Christmas Story?

Veronica:  That’s a white people movie.  Auntie Mame.

Emily:  Is Auntie Mame a Christmas movie?

Veronica:  There’s a scene that takes place at Christmas. 

Mikah:  Well I enjoy..

Veronica:  MIRACLE ON 34^TH STREET.

So we put on a Miracle on 34th street.  Veronica explained to us that the man in the white beard who knew the reindeer names was actually Santa Clause.  Oh, good.  Now I understand the plot.  

Eventually she passed out around 10pm during the movie.  She had been up late last night having 4 orgasms.  I know this because she told us over Christmas dinner.

Oh, the stripper part.  Through surreptitious whisperings I learned that Veronica was a stripper at an upscale gentlemen’s club in Manhattan.  No judgment.  Veronica made me laugh and taught me the reason for the season:  Veronica. 

She’s kind of a Christmas miracle, which might also be her stage name. 

Happy Boxing Day.

Please note:  Veronica is very real and this actually happened, but all names have been changed to protect… my ass.

The Chef of the Century and Scotty Watch Top Chef Together!

By The Chef of the Century and Scott E.

 

Greetings America! The Chef of the Century, aka Gallen de Robuchon, aka The Greatest Chef in the History of the World, is back again, and once again it’s because Steve can’t be bothered to do the job that Marci pays him for. Every time I think he can’t get any lazier, he does, but then I remember that laziness is directly related to fatness, and boy is he packing them on! Anywho, I’ve decided to meet up with Steve’s cohort Scott and live-blog Top Chef together, not only because I think he’s one of the few talented Americans we have on this planet, but because he is very tasty-looking, so I would love to be able to be near him, if only for 1 hour. So here we go! I’ll be in regular typeface, Scott will be in bold.

 

10:00 – My roommate Jeremiah: “How is the crying Asian girl still in it?” I don’t know Jeremiah. I don’t know.

 

10:01 – Hi Chef!  I’m so happy to be joining you.

 

10:01 – Scotty says he hates Padma. I’m going to smack the shit out of him.

 

10:01 – OW! What the fuck, Chef?!

 

10:01 – Yeah, speak the truth Nyesha. Heather was a bitch to Beverly. And then take your shirt off.

 

10:02 – Oh shit the show started.

 

10:02 – Dirty Dozen? That had to have violated some sort of copyright there.

 

10:02 – Oh the dirty dozen, great you assholes can alliterate and count to twelve.

 

10:02 – I hate Padma. The only thing good about her is her sweet arm scar.

 

10:02 – (Chef slaps Scotty right in the dick.)

 

10:03 – It’s never too early to drink tequila, Ed. Everyone loves day drinking!

 

10:03 – Ty-Lor loves tequila. He also love penis.

 

10:03 – No immunity today! And only 5,000 euros?! (Dollars? What an awful currency.)

 

10:03 – I guess tequila is sponsoring this show.  Maybe we can combine this with the Toyota sponsored previous episode and we can kill off some of these clowns.

 

10:04 – Chris’ cross-eyed, top pony-tail look is really disturbing to me.

 

10:04 – Let me just tell you that the Chef of the Century is amazing. He is cooking AND blogging right in front of me while we watch this show!

 

10:05 – Chris, the tequila doesn’t remind you of vacations. It reminds you of liquor-soaked frat parties where you and your bros douched out together.

 

10:05 – Ty-Lor, I don’t care where you went on vacation.

 

10:05 – Bev is a crazy bitch. I hope she cuts herself, either in a kitchen mishap or in suicidal way. I’m not picky.

 

10:06 – Is Don Julio sponsoring this episode? I can’t tell.

 

10:06 – Chris Jones is overcooking his chicken breasts? What is this, amateur hour?! I can perfectly cook a chicken breast on a fucking Easy Bake Oven!

 

10:08 – SPOILER ALERT! Someone cooked scallops. That NEVER happens.

 

10:08 – God, I really wish Lindsay looked like she does in her website bio picture. What a letdown. Her sexual frivolity was perhaps a version I could enjoy.

 

10:08 – You guys have nothing on Chef Robuchon!  He made some sort of seasoning concoction.  MMMMM!  It is delicious.  In keeping with the theme, he forced me to drink a whole bottle of tequila. I love cooking!

 

10:09 – Grayson is from Wisconsin!?!?! I need to hire her so she can make me beer-battered cheese curds all day, every day. I LOVE that shit. It’s one of the few reasons America still deserves to be a country.

 

10:09 – The samplings are done for the Quickfire. I hope Padma is drunk enough to now remove her clothing.

 

10:09 – Oh snap the fat chicks are on the bottom of the Quickfire.  Rule number one - no fat chicks. Right Steve? Steve? Oh yea he is a lazy American.

 

10:09 – You got that right, Scotty.

 

10:11 – Ty-Lor wins the Quickfire! I still refuse to put an umlaut over his name.

 

10:11 – Shave your fucking mustache Ty-Lor.

 

10:11 – Oh a twist?! No way! They never do that!

 

10:12 – I hope the “twist we didn’t see coming” is Padma naked.

 

10:12 – Let me take a moment during this commercial break… Holy shit! Kelly Clarkson got FAT. Rule #1 VIOLATION, MA’AM.

 

10:12 – This Kelly Clarkson/Toyota Camry commercial is fucking awesome!  Kelly is the only American Idol.

 

10:12 – American Idol is BY FAR the worst thing to ever happen to America.

 

10:12 – Pearl Harbor?

 

10:12 – Huh?

 

10:13 – Anyway, back to what I was saying. Scotty, it is both an honor and a pleasure to be dual-blogging this episode of Top Chef with you. Sitting next to you kind of makes me feel like Ty-Lor feels when he’s in an all-male review. Come on over to L’Atelier whenever you want. Marcel will take care of you.

 

10:14 – Really another Alvin and Chipmunks movie? I have to be more drunk than I thought, there’s no way they made another one.

 

10:14 – Oh sure Chef I’ll get in this hot tub. This is very nice.

 

10:16 – Ugh. Another team challenge. Ha! Heather got Bev! This has the potential for major drama. DRAMA THAT DOESN’T BELONG ON AN ESTEEMED TELEVISION PROGRAM LIKE TOP CHEF. LEAVE THE DRAMA TO SHIT TELEVISION SHOWS, NOT ESTEEMED MATERIAL SUCH AS THIS.

 

10:16 – Stop with the fucking teams on this show. Oh man all of his friends are great chefs?!  Who saw that coming?

 

10:16 – Of course Nyesha knows how to kill animals and cook them herself. She’s a real woman. I only hire real women, both in my restaurant and for nightly dalliances.

 

10:17 – I love when Edward talks. His mouth is fucking stupid. I wish he spoke like Shannon Sharpe.  Sharpe’s voice with Edwards mouth would be a dream.

 

10:18 – The chefs are judging each other?! Not as good a twist as Padma being in the nude, but it’ll have to do.

 

10:18 – DOUBLE ELIMINATION?!?!?! HOLY CRAP! My blood pressure is coming to a boil. Either that or it’s the 6 pounds of foie gras I ate for dinner tonight.

 

10:19 – My beau comments that she “doesn’t like to watch all these ugly people cook.” I feel the same way sweetie.

 

10:19 – Whole Foods? My word! They rarely go there.

 

10:20 – Heather seriously looks like she weighs 6 times more than Beverly. You need to stop sampling your food, Heather.

 

10:20 – You’ve never cooked elk, Chris Jones? Seriously? I wouldn’t even hire you to flip burgers at a god damn Burger King without knowing how to properly cook game. I swear, chefs in America these days…

 

10:21 – Oh Heather, you cook American Farm to Plate food? I didn’t know you cooked yourself?!

 

10:21 – Oooo, Heather breaks out the racism on Beverly. I’d want Beverly to pull out her velociraptor talon and hack open her belly, but I’m sure she’ll just cry.

 

10:21 – Paul, “Sarah’s a little nervous about her sausage.” Haha get it?  Sausage? OK I’ll just hang out here.

 

10:21 – (Chef shaking his head horizontally.)

 

10:22 – What  are you reading Chef?  Oh, OK. I’ll find out later. Thanks for the seasoning powder, I guess. Maybe I can snort this. Great idea!

 

10:23 – Beverly, so you’re boyfriend beat you, who cares?! STOP CRYING. And never move to France, you wouldn’t like the way we discipline our women.

 

10:23 – Bev is crying! I repeat! Bev is crying! Bitch needs to calm down! I thought ninjas were supposed to be calm and collected, not emotional and scattered.

 

10:23 – Who is this Chef Roble joker? Oh, a caterer? No caterers can ever call themselves chefs. They’re more glorified lunch ladies.

 

10:24 – Scotty you look good tonight.

 

10:24 – Thanks! Am I the only person who doesn’t like horses? I don’t care about War Horse. When I see a horse I think of two things. Can I gamble on it? If not, then I think it should be made into glue.

 

10:27 – Chris California Douche Case just dropped some sweat off of his nose into his food. Please give me a moment while I call Tom and tell him to eliminate his ass. Only pussies sweat when under pressure, and by pussies, I mean American chefs.

 

10:27 – Grayson, “The STEAKS are high this challenge” STEAKS! Food puns!

 

10:28 – I predicted beforehand that Louey Colicchio wouldn’t be joining us tonight because he would claim to have fallen asleep on his couch and missed my text. The text I just received from Louey Colicchio: “nope fell asleep on the couch.” (In response to my asking if he was coming over for Top Chef.) Typical Louey.

 

10:28 – Bev, “It’s hard to strain it with all the fat in there.” Whoa easy Bev, Sarah and Heather are standing right there!

 

10:28 – Nice dog collar Padma.

 

10:29 – Ah, the judges are here: Tom, Padma, Hugh, and Hugh’s unibrow.

 

10:29 – Sure chef I’ll play with these potatoes and carrots in my tub. I’m helping!

 

10:29 – Lindsey, put some fucking cilantro on that motherfucker!

 

10:30 – As much as I don’t like Chris Frat Dick, having a chef from Animal judging him is patently unfair. It’s a direct competitor to his restaurant in LA. Conflict of interest, producers.

 

10:31 – A gratin, Dakota? I hope you know how to make a basic dish like that better than Whitney. Then again, my 4-year-old daughter can make a gratin better than Whitney.

 

10:31 – Since I just looked at what I’m writing, I just learned something. “Motherfucker” is one word, not two as I originally thought.

 

10:32 – Grayson is going to crap all over Chris for him admitting that he fucked up. Awesome. I love when woman crap on men.

 

10:32 – Did Grayson just sweat on the food.  Secret sauce!

 

10:32 – I love your self esteem there Grayson.

 

10:33 – Oh sweet, stupid, insignificant chef I couldn’t care less about, you hunt. Awesome. Why don’t you hunt that awful beard off of your face and cook that. Ignorant American asshole.

 

10:33 – Beard guy, I don’t give a shit about your hunting habits.  I wish a gator ate you.

 

10:34 – Nyesha, you build confidence by just standing next to someone. She continues to make me proud of the fact that she works for me.

 

10:34 – Chef! Why are you shoving an apple in my mou- huggle gruggle mubble. Oh wait, its just muffling my voice, not my typing.

 

10:35 – Dakota’s venison looks like it’s still nehing, or mooing, or whatever the hell noises deer make. It more or less looks like the deer is in the middle of its period and has an incredibly heavy flow. She’s dragging down Nyesha. I am going to hate her forever.

 

10:37 – Yes Sarah, I agree. It’s not scary that you go home, it is scary if Paul does.

 

10:37 – Now Sarah’s crying! She didn’t make the best sausage ever. Clearly reason to cry.

 

10:38 – Of course it’s Beverly telling other people that it’s ok to cry. That’s all she ever does herself!

 

10:38 – Ed and Ty-Lor win, and they’ll be splitting $10,000, furnished by Healthy Choice. I wish Healthy Choice would furnish me some money. Actually, who am I kidding? I’m the greatest chef in the world and I have more money than God. Ha!

 

10:38 – I like that Padma shut the fuck up at the judges table, she has no business judging. She is just a pretty face and boobs.

 

10:38 – I’m going to murder you in your sleep, Scott.

 

10:39 – The chefs have to decided amongst themselves what losing team they’re sending out to be eliminated?! Wow. This tension is amazing, AND ONLY BELONGS IN REALITY SHOWS THAT SUCK. THIS IS TOP CHEF, NOT SOME RUN OF THE MILL REALITY BULLSHIT LIKE SURVIVOR. AND YES, I DID NOT PUT SURVIVOR IN ITALICS, BECAUSE IT IS REPULSIVE AND DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE PROPERLY RECOGNIZED AS AN ACTUAL TELEVISION SHOW.

 

10:39 – Awesome! They have to pick the three worst teams! Amazing! I hope there’s a stabbing.

 

10:41 – My significant other just touched my computer. You can bet she will be disciplined tonight. She might look like Dakota’s venison when all is said and done.

 

10:40 – Chef? What are you doing? Don’t put a lid on my hot tub!

 

10:41 – Boy it sure is dark in here. I guess this was a pot I was sitting in. This makes so much sense now!

 

10:43 – Dale Talde is teaching people how to run a small business? Please. If Bravo was smart they would hire me, even though I GUARANTEE they couldn’t afford me.

 

10:43 – Actually, how does The Buffet Table afford me?

 

10:44 – The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are a disgrace. It’s like they poked holes in their lips and injected 19 pounds of lard into them. Not to mention they’re all ugly. And whores. Only in America would a show like this prosper.

 

10:45 – God Scott. You really do look good tonight. I could just eat you right up!

 

10:45 – I wish I knew who was getting eliminated. I can’t even hear anything. I kind of panicked and can only hear me breathing rapidly. I’m not in good shape.

 

10:46 – Hugh, I like you, but don’t you DARE speak ill of Nyesha. Speak ill of Dakota. She fucked up. Not Nyesha.

 

10:47 – Heather is such a bitch.

 

10:48 – I hate this. Let the judges, you know, actual chefs, decide who goes home.

 

10:48 – Please send Heather and Beverly home. Heather is a raging bitch who is in clear violation of rule number 1, and Beverly is never not crying.

 

10:48 – I learned something else. I can take the apple out of my mouth. Let’s get some answers here! CHEF! CHEF!

 

10:49 – If Nyesha goes home because Dakota doesn’t know how to cook meat right, I’m going to go insane, and possibly kill Scott, even though he is so handsome.

 

10:50 – When Hugh talks, I don’t hear criticism, I hear “UNIBROW UNIBROW UNIBROW UNIBROW UNIBROW.”

 

10:50 – Oh boy, there goes Heather being a bitch again, and there goes Beverly crying again. Concentrate on this challenge, please. Heather, get your ass out of the past.

 

10:50 – CHEF!

 

10:51 – STOP THROWING BEVERLY UNDER THE BUS, GETTING IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, AND RUNNING HER OVER WITH IT. I’m going to go place a few calls and make sure Heather never works in this industry again.

 

10:52 – Grayson’s right. By Heather calling Beverly out, she’s sending herself home. Good.

 

10:52 – CHEF! CHEF!

 

10:54 – When Tom talks, I don’t hear words, I hear “GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS.” His thoughts and voice are poetry in motion.

 

10:54 – Tim Love, what is this base ball you refer to? Is that a game? We don’t play that in France. Must not be real.

 

10:55 - Chef! Thanks for opening the lid. I have two questions: 1) How is my laptop still working? Oh its not. This is pen and paper. 2) What book were you reading? “How to Serve Scott.” Nice Twilight Zone reference Chef. I hope I’m delicious.

 

10:59 – I want Beverly and Heather to go home, but I get the feeling Dakota and Nyesha are because Dakota can’t cook meat properly. Dumb shit.

 

10:59 – FUCK. FUCK YOU DAKOTA AND YOUR MEDIOCRE SKILLS. ACTUALLY, WAIT! MEDIOCRE?! MY UNBORN SON’S COOKING SKILL CAN BE DESCRIBED AS MEDIOCRE! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

11:00 – Guarantee Nyesha wins every round in Last Chance Kitchen. We’ll see her at the end. Lock it up, French style.

 

11:00:  I was delicious! I’m also dead. Blogging from beyond the graaaaaaaaave!

 

11:00 – (Chef of the Century chewing rather loudly.) Wow, I really am a fantastic chef.

 

You can follow the Chef of the Century on Twitter @ChefOfCentury, or his lazy American friend Steve at @JerseyIsBest. You can also follow Scott @anothertwitacct, but I don’t see him tweeting anytime soon since he’s dead and currently in the Chef of the Century’s intestinal tract. Or maybe you can… tweeting from beyond the graaaaaaaaave!

Winner of the Week: Words With Friends

By Marci B.

Who would have thought that this week would make a celebrity out of a little app about words? Not me! After all, when was it ever cool to be good at Scrabble? Was it something that you’d come into school and brag about? “Yo I totally laid down a two-letter word on my Mom last night and BAM. 87 points. I won.”

Would people discuss intense Scrabble games when they were not playing them? Would Scrabble games even get intense in the first place?

It seems we’ve come a long way, because this week the world was all about Words With Friends. Essentially a rip off of Scrabble that you can play on your iPhone, the app lets you well, play Scrabble. Against friends. (It’s very complicated so I needed to explain it to you).

This week the app really took off however, as it was featured prominently in the news as the reason that Alec Baldwin got kicked off a plane. The actor refused to turn off his phone because he was playing the game, and then was removed from the plane after an altercation. This was similar to a guy who got kicked off my plane from Buffalo to NYC a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure what app he thought was more important than getting where he was going. Maybe it was Words with Friends!

Either way, Baldwin’s vehement love for the app was surely a boost in publicity for both words and friends, and in the last week over 200,000 people have started using the app. Not bad for a game that encourages lots of thinking and a places a strong emphasis on utilizing interesting words in the English language.

The other thing about Words With Friends is that people love to brag about it. Even before Baldwin-gate, I have heard many conversations between people about words they just played in the game, and have seen my fair share of screen shots posted to Twitter or Facebook, showing off a big move in the game.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I just find it funny. In a world where there’s so much to do, see and download, we’re getting more excited than ever about an app about spelling.

But here are the real winners from all this:

Letters.
Moments ago, no one cared about them. Now they are essential to the collective mood of a nation, pieces in a game that can make or break someone’s day. Letters, your stock has gone up this week.

Zynga.
The company that owns the Words With Friends app is having it’s initially public offering very soon. The publicity here may help them out quite a bit. (STOCK TIP: BUY ZYNGA!)

America.
I don’t think I need to elaborate on this. America is always a winner.

Happy Friday everyone. Let’s go spell some words!

When Marci isn’t writing about words, she is not playing Words With Friends. Because she has a flip phone.

Who should be embarrassed?

By Todd B.

A video has been passed around over the last few days that’s intended to embarrass potential Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.   

 

In the video Bachmann is greeted at a book signing by young Elijah who tells her “My mommy – Miss Bachmann, my mommy’s gay but she doesn’t need fixing.”

 

This could be adorable and heart-warming if Elijah wasn’t also covering his ears and saying, “I don’t want to” while his mother insists that he say it. 

 

I watched this video late last night and I found it disturbing.  I don’t find it disturbing that Bachmann dismisses the child and his family, but that the child’s parent is obviously forcing the child against his will to confront her.  The child was used as a political pawn to prove a point, and then his image was posted on YouTube and shared by dozens of blogs and hundreds of online readers. 

 

First of all, I don’t think it’s fair to the child.  I’m sure he loves his gay mommy and believes that his mommy doesn’t need fixing, but I doubt that a 9 year old is thinking, “Yo, mom.  Get the camera.  We’re going to crash Bachmann’s book signing, then I’m going to call her out on her husband’s dubious business practice of ‘fixing gays’, then you’re going to put that video online.  That’ll get her!” 

 

In my opinion, using Elijah as his mother’s mouthpiece is a manipulative and cheap tactic.

 

Secondly, what did the parents think would happen?  Michele Bachmann is NOT going to leave this book signing and say, “Oh, Elijah’s mom doesn’t need fixing.  What have I been doing?  I better change my ways.”

 

No homophobe/Republican/Tea Partier* is going to watch this video and say, “What? Why am I voting for Michele Bachmann?  She thinks Elijah’s mom needs fixing.” They’re going to watch that video and say that it proves that gays manipulate and brainwash their children, especially since Bachmann appears very patient and sweet to Elijah. 

 

Michele Bachmann can easily take this video and use it as proof to her supporters that gay people force their children into their beliefs.

 

Some of the protest methods utilized by gay “activists” at various GOP events have caused me chagrin, including the fad of glitter-bombing politicians with anti-gay points of view.

 

 

Glitter-bombing is the act of throwing glitter at the politician. 

 

 

That’s it.

 

Nothing says “take my rights seriously” like throwing glitter in someone’s face. 

 

I support free speech, and at least glitter bombing brings attention to these issues, but it’s not to my taste. 

 

If a tea-partier threw tea bags at a Democratic candidate to bring attention to—oh, I don’t know—taxes or gun laws or states rights, Democrats would call them irrational and ridiculous.  It certainly wouldn’t change anyone’s stance on the issue.  How is glitter bombing different?

 

What do I propose instead?  Rational argument.  Dignified protest.  Adults speaking for themselves. 

 

I was recently moved to tears hearing the testimony of 19 year old Zach Wahls.  Like Elijah, Mr. Walls was raised by two mothers.  Unlike Elijah, Mr. Wahls is an adult capable of voting and he took his opinions and concerns to a testimony before the Iowa House of Representatives. 

 

 

The video speaks for itself.

 

I applaud anyone who takes time to speak out on behalf of their cause, and I’m personally grateful for all LGBT activists, but I hope as a community that we present ourselves with dignity and maturity in the vein of Harvey Milk.

 

 

 

*Being a homophobe doesn’t make you a Republican or Tea Partier.  The reverse is also true. 

Ground Control to Major Tom